My rule is to finish a notebook a month. (I’m always making up writing guidelines for myself.) Simply to fill it. That is the practice. My ideal is to write every day. I say it is my ideal. I am careful not to pass judgment or create anxiety if I don’t do that. No one lives up to his ideal.

— Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldberg

We embark on one self-improvement project after another. We strive to meet the media standards for the perfect body and looks by coloring out the gray, lifting our face, being on a perpetual diet. We push ourselves to get a better position at work. We exercise, take enriching courses of study, meditate, make lists, volunteer, take workshops. Certainly any of these activities can be undertaken in a wholesome way, but so often they are driven by anxious undercurrents of “not good enough.” Rather than relaxing and enjoying who we are and what we’re doing, we are comparing ourselves with an ideal and trying to make up for the difference.

— Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach

There will always be a gap between who you are and who you want to be.

We’ve all experienced “moving the goal posts” for ourselves. We strive for months & years to accomplish a certain goal, to reach a certain level, and then when we’re finally there… we look to what’s next.

This ever-aspiring impulse is good. It keeps us moving. It helps us reach greater & greater heights. But it can also destroy us, if we’re not careful.

There are two potential versions of this ambition. There is the version of us that is perpetually dissatisfied with who we are, because we are not who we should be. But there’s also the version of us that is perpetually excited about who we can become, because there is always a challenge ahead of us.

Whether we are the dissatisfied or the excited version depends on our relationship to the gap.

Today’s practice is about transforming that relationship into something more nourishing, supportive, and energizing, so that we can enjoy the quest to become who we are.

the practice

For today’s practice, you’ll just need a journalling tool (a notebook, an app, or a voice note) and a quiet place to reflect.

Let’s start with the big question: who do you want to be?

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Therefore, I see whatever exists as good, death is to me like life, sin like holiness, wisdom like foolishness, everything has to be as it is, everything only requires my consent, only my willingness, my loving agreement, to be good for me, to do nothing but work for my benefit, to be unable to ever harm me.

— Siddhartha, Herman Hesse

Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so.

— Hamlet, William Shakespeare

At the beginning of 2024, I was well & truly stuck in life.

For years, I aspired to leave tech and create something of my own. I felt I had the energy, the drive, and the courage to build my own business, and to start helping others on their path.

The only problem: I had no idea what to create.

I spent probably three years circulating between various ideas. Nothing felt good enough. Nothing felt compelling enough. I sank deeper & deeper into frustration, despairing at my own weakness and inability to move forward.

Then, in January of 2024, after rereading Existential Kink, I decided to try something new. Rather than raging against my stuckness, I decided to try to enjoy it.

It didn’t seem to be going anywhere, so why not try to have some fun with it? In truth, I didn’t feel like I had many other options.

I spent the next few months sinking into being stuck, noticing what it gave me access to: freedom from having to work too hard, while still holding the persona of being “ambitious”… sympathy from friends, without too much at stake… a sense of hope about the future, without the risk of disappointment…

I let myself really savour all of these benefits. For a while, nothing shifted. Then, everything did. I started tweeting about my journey with inner work, particularly the somatic techniques I was finding helpful. From there, a few people asked for 1:1 support. Next thing I knew, I was building the coaching business that would eventually allow me to quit my job.

But the first requirement was to change my relationship to my stuckness, to stop viewing it as “bad”, and start to notice what else could be true.

That’s what today’s practice is about.

the practice

In a new journal entry, either written or via voice note, answer the following questions:

1. What is the most persistent source of frustration in my life?

2. What do I find frustrating about it?

For #2, really allow yourself to rant & vent. As you do so, notice how your body responds. What sensations are present? Where do you notice constriction, tension, energy?

Pause for a few moments and really let yourself feel those sensations… let them expand in your body, getting as intense as feels comfortable… once you feel a shift, like a wave breaking near the shore, continue with the next set of questions.

3. What is secretly enjoyable about this frustration? What is actually satisfying, comfortable, safe, energizing about it?

4. If I knew this frustration would last forever, what would be pleasurable about that?

These questions might take a bit of searching. It may be helpful to imagine that you actually chose this frustration, and brought it into your life: if that were true, why would that be? If your subconscious mind attracted this situation, what would it be trying to access?

(This is not the same as suggesting that you deserve this situation, or that it’s actually “good”; it’s more about noticing the ways you may be using it as a source of safety, self-expression, or energy.)

And then the last question:

5. If I were to consciously enjoy this frustration, what would that look like?

Minor frustrations can actually be quite enjoyable. You get to stomp your feet, throw out a few long sighs, vent to a friend, spend an afternoon in a sulk. What would it look like to lean into that process? If this frustration requires a bit more (say, an hour spent sobbing on the floor), how can you allow that release in a safe way?

How can you be in loving agreement with what is happening to you? How can your conscious enjoyment become a tool for turning this obstacle into a doorway?

With love & appreciation,

Scott

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